September 18, 2001
BODY: Sorry about my non posting lately. I want to post but I haven’t had too much opportunity to because of work and life stuff. Well, I’m still in the pool working out each morning. I’m up to 40 laps now and I’m not so much thinking of the times but the length of swimming right now. I can swim 20 laps without stopping so that’s not too bad for an over 200 pound person. I’ve been eating right too!(despite the stress) Brown rice is my new discovery for the week. I’m addicted to it (I’m not eating too much of it but about a half of a cup a day). The scale is hovering around 218.5 but it’s been that way for a while. Hopefully, it will move soon!
MIND: I feel mildly stressed right now. This past weekend my parents came up to pick up my sister. She’s having possible mental problems/health problems. She thinks she has MS but she has a long pattern of thinking she has diseases. For example, she thought she had AIDS three years ago, then she thought she had an impacted sinus infection, now she thinks she has MS. Dennis is convinced that Carrie is making herself feel like she has MS because she has been trying to self-diagnosis on Yahoo Health. She is experiencing muscle twitches but it could be stress. You see, she is growing tired of working with Dennis, and now he is going bankrupt. Since mom and dad took her back to their home for some rest, I told her to first focus on the stress and if her symptoms do continue then possibly get the test. Dennis and Carrie have no insurance so it is difficult for them. I also want her to go see a therapist because she is showing symptoms of depression and traits of anxiety/obsessive compulsive disorder plus she needs coping mechanisms to battle stress. Dennis reported that when he took her to work, she would break down and cry for hours because she thinks she’s dying. This is sad and it worries me. According to my dad’s file that I got from the Children’s Aid Society (my dad was a foster kid in the depression era) that depression runs in the family so top that off with my moms, hx of anxiety..,it’s not so good. I just hope she does better. I’ll continue to pray for her. Okay, so then to top it off, Shawn and I are fighting once again. We were supposed to attend a wedding on Friday night and then go to his folks on Saturday but then when I got the call from Carrie, I told him that I need to go and see her. He seemed okay with it. Then when I get home on Sunday, he starts getting pissy at me stating “Your parents don’t treat you right…they run to Carrie but never you..they treat you like crap and you are unequal of her” and shit like that. I told him that basically my sister is emotionally weaker than I (I’m more of a stronger person because I’m more independent while Carrie is dependent, always has been and always will) and that my parents treat us both fairly in different ways. Then he starts to continue to put down my family. I then told him that I’m not going to listen to that kind of talk and when he wants to talk rationally, he can call me. So I haven’t heard from him since Sunday. Bastard, just what I need. Luckily this time, I’m just mad and upset by his poor reaction to the whole situation. My family means the world to me and he shouldn’t doing what he did. It’s simply disrespect and I’m not going to put up with that Bullshit. Just one more week til I have a week vacation in Kentucky.
SPIRIT: Been praying a lot lately and thinking about life and freedom. What happened in the last week makes everyone reflect on their own lives and how special it is to be alive and American. I’m still in shock over the whole ordeal. It’s almost surreal…well, that’s it for me tonight, take care all-Kellie
September 11, 2001
Okay, so this was supposed to be the average day…but as we all know, it turned out to be far from that. I was just looking up at the sky this morning when it was still dark out thinking…God that is beautiful…the earth is beautiful…how lucky am I to be living. Then only hour’s later, terrorist attack happened to our nation. It was about 9:10 am when I found out that a plane hit the Trade Center. I told my office mate, hey an airplane hit the trade center but I didn’t think too much about it. Then 20 minutes later it began to be an issue. The TV was going and the whole agency was watching. Just to see those buildings on fire would make one sick. The fire just was getting worse, then the first tower collapsed. Then someone started to laugh, while I burst out in tears. The human suffering that must have went on in those victims last minutes must have been torture. Tens of thousands are possibly dead…from what? Some freaky ass terrorist whose making a stupid ass point? Killing people doesn’t make a point. People like you and me were killed, by just going to work, going about their ordinary day. I just hope to God, it is someone outside of the US…To my readers, I hop all your family and friends are safe. If you lost someone, my prayers are with you. Take care because I cannot right anymore tonight-Kellie
September 5, 2001
BODY: I fought with the “motivation” this morning and it won. Basically, when the alarm sounded at 5:35, all I wanted to do was to hit the snooze. But that little conscious of mine kicked in and it said “Kellie, get off you @ss and get in the pool”. I listened to that little voice, even though I was tired and sore…I went. And once again I am yelling “It’s great to be back in the pool!”. The ladies and the lifeguard at the pool asked where I was this past month. I told them “vacation, sickness, and unmotivation”. All I needed to do was to get back in that pool and it will work it’s magic. I’m tired today though. Basically, I worked twelve hours yesterday…thus being home only to sleep and then again today, got home at 6:30 so I will be up until 9:45 but then off to bed. I have 3 hours to relax, cook dinner, call Shawn, and play on the net…not enough time in the day. Anyways, I’m back in the pool, and that’s all that matters when it comes to exercising. If anyone out there wonders about that CURVES FOR WOMEN membership that I have…well I’m still a member but I have not been going all summer long. I stopped for two reasons: it was really hot in the facility, where it would be 90 degrees and they would have the door open for ventilation and then I found the hours constraining. They start at 8am and go til 7:15, where I would have to get down there before 6:45 to go. I found that frustrating because I would want to get home, make dinner, and then workout but I couldn’t. So now I am locked into their contract until April and I’ve only used the place about 20 times and of course it is costing me $29 a month. What a waste. Hopefully, I can get back there to use it but now I’m puzzled how I should balance it now? If anyone has any suggestions let me know.
MIND: No growth here in the last two days but I want to get back to ready some psychology books. Though, you know the hard thing about that though? I’m around mental health crap all day and then to come home to it? Sometimes it’s just not motivating to read that stuff. Speaking of mental health…it’s amazing how much your mental health is linked to weight and weightloss. * DISCLAIMER * I’m no expert in this area so this is strictly my own opinion…do not take it as advice but as suggestion. If you’re the average individual the actual weight causes a lot of mental stress…not only body stress. Though, it’s up to us to remove that mental clout…you just can’t over look it….hoping it will go away with the weight. I just got back from visiting an online journal and the individual lost a significant amount of weight. But then life kicked in…stress was around and six months later, what happens? That person gained back the weight they lost and then some. Disheartening that they gained the weight but now good that they are focusing mentally on losing the weight, not only physically now. So in all of your journeys, no matter how big or small, are you focusing on everything? Are you addressing the issues that you need to address? Have you altered and shifted your old patterns & thoughts? I’m just rambling here…seeing if everyone is in check(plus, keeping myself in check).
SPIRIT: Four more days of being 25. September 9…I will be the big 2-6. I’m approaching my late mid to late twenties. Oh how that sucks. Time is passing by too quickly. Shawn wanted to know what I wanted to do for my birthday but I have no suggestions. I guess it’s now up to him. At first I wanted to go to Detroit and see the Henry Ford Museum or the Detroit Historical Society Museum but I’m just not into driving over they’re this weekend. Maybe next month we’ll do that. Found out today that we are getting a one time pay adjustment (aka bonus but we are not able to call it that). On September 21st , I will be getting $1200 (after taxes) ! Finally, I won’t be broke anymore. I’m going to put that towards my only credit card. I owe $2800 to next card so that debt will be lowered quickly. You know what the funny thing is? I haven’t used a credit card since last November. Last December, I transferred my Citibank account to Next Card because they have lower interest. I’ve never even activated the card. I will not touch a credit card with a 10-foot pole (only if there is an emergency). By January, I should have that thing paid off. It’s about time :) Well take care all-Kellie …oh, here is the recent progress pic….
September 3, 2001
BODY: Ate okay this weekend. Though, you know what is not good? Movie popcorn, it sucks. I had some on Sunday and lets just say that my stomach was cramped for hours…maybe it was cooked in olean but gosh never again. Then I had a coke and I was all nerved up. I basically have cut caffeine from my eating but occasionally I will crave a coke and man…what a difference it makes when you’re not used to it. Exercise has been minimal lately. Last week, my allergies kicked in and I was unsure about going to swim but of course, I couldn’t drag my butt out of bed also at 5:30 a.m. in the morning. I think on Wednesday I will start to go again. I won’t tomorrow because I have a late night at work. My late nights where I will go in at 8:00 and leave at 8:00, now that is one long day. By the time I get home it’s 9:00 and I’m tired and I’m ready to relax and crash. At work I have to work around my clients schedules when they say 6:30/7:30 I have to try to accommodate them. I have one more month before I go on on-call. I am not looking forward to this especially since my shift is at the tail end of a full moon…not good. I could get a call @ 3:15 am to do a screening at a hospital 45 minutes northeast of me. I have no clue what I’m doing when it comes to the forms and basically it’s a sink or swim. All I know is that I will be missing out on sleep and this will make me a cranky Kellie…my body needs 7 – 8 hours nightly….yuck. The money is an incentive but for $350 for a weekend, I would rather do other things to earn that much money. Not good…
MIND: I won this whole lot of psychology books at an auction for $9 and I’m reading a couple of books in abnormal psychology. One thing about being a social worker from a sociology/family studies background is that I miss out on all of that psychology stuff like CBT, cognitive behavior therapy, for example…I had no clue of what that was until last fall. My background was more brief therapy, solution focused, behavior modification, and narrative therapy…beyond that I have to explore other various therapies so I have a nice toolbox in working with people. Sorry for the jargon but that’s what I am working on right now in the mind department.
SPIRIT: What did you do with your holiday weekend Kellie? Well, I stayed home! Yippy! I stayed the night at Shawn’s on Friday and then we came back to my place on Saturday. On Saturday, I did an overhaul on my apartment and cleaned it all. It was a filthy pigpen. Sunday, movie day! Saw “Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back”. Awesome Flick if you like Kevin Smiths line of movies “Clerks, Mall Rats, Chasing Amy, Dogma” you will like this but if you have no clue about this movies…Don’t Go! Because the movie references the other movies throughout and you won’t get it if you haven’t seen the other movies. It’s the end now of the “View Askew” line of movies (the line of Kevin’s movies)…we stayed until the end of the credits and it stated “Jay and Silent Bob has left the building” and Alanis Moresette closed the book of the “View Askew”…no more Jay…no more Silent Bob. Too bad but good things must come to the end. Okay, enough of the boring movie stuff for you non Kevin Smith lovers. The rest of the weekend I listed a ton of stuff on ebay. I haven’t listed anything in a while because the clothes market has been slow…now that my checkbook is feeling the pinch I was motivated to sell. Some plus size stuff so feel free to browse if you are interested. I got some really good deals on some stuff. I feel totally rested from the weekend. What a nice feeling. Now if I only can get to sleep…hence the entry and pick…I figured that would help me ease into sleep. Take care all-Kellie